I Found Love

It feels good. The last time I was filled with such self-sufficiency, and happiness, I don’t remember, maybe never. But that’s perfectly fine, it’s a new reinvented chapter, and this time I get to decide my plot line, characterization and the entire theatrics. Gazing back into memory lane, and only visiting the streets that evoke unhappiness wasn’t the reason for my distress, rather it was me.

I looked at the past in a sense which made me hate myself, because it made me feel helpless. What I needed to realize, is that even though circumstances cannot be under my control, I should’ve still been able to handle the consequences post-impact, because I have to be responsible towards the way my feelings unfolded, since they directly influence my head-space.

I realized blaming doesn’t help, it evolves into hatred, for yourself, and everyone and everything around you.

I went in the search of love, acceptance and belonging in the most inappropriate places, people out of all places. When really, I should’ve started growing it like a little seed inside my heart, nurtured it with my thoughts, only to be cultivated to heal my heart, when the world broke it for me the several thousand times. In fact, why even allow the world to see the vulnerable crevices of our spiritual caricature. Filter out the hate and only allow the love and positive in.

Finding love wasn’t that tough, it was finding the acceptance and love inside me, that I had been searching outside in the physical world all this while. Instead of focusing on all the disfigurements in me and plot holes of my story, if I had just accepted my flaws as a part of my authenticity and had taken the editor’s position in my story, maybe the journey would’ve been easier. But as they say what comes easy, is not as valuable, now I won’t think twice before putting myself first, in any kind of circumstances. Now, I will be a priority and not the way people visualize or evaluate my existence.

I took my own unique time span to make the changes required in the way I saw myself, by really seeing, feeling and understanding myself. I gave myself what I always gave people, time and space, to evolve into the human I’ve grown and learned to love. I’ve befriended myself.

This ‘new-found’ love didn’t need to be discovered or spoon-fed by anyone, this was nurtured over time with understanding for individualism, a lot of patience and a hint of romance for the self. It had to be brewed with love and acceptance that could be only cultivated by me. I didn’t run or wait for anyone, to provide me with this. I waited for me at places when I got tired and ran after me when I got scared.

“We accept the love we think we deserve” said by Stephen Chbosky. Great quote, when taken literally sometimes leads to a toxic relationship with yourself, but it isn’t supposed to be taken literally. Love yourself enough to think that the love people provide you with, the universe provides you with, is worth your precious and limited time. It’s not that people didn’t shower me with love, affection and care, it’s just the simple fact that I never accepted it, just like I never accepted myself.

I’m healing, and I know it will take time and a constant need of observance from myself, but at least, I won’t go back to the thinking that death is the only way out of my living hell. I will know how to get back up, there will be times I’ll fall, but I won’t have to start back from square one, since the map to my mind labyrinth was created by me. Now, I’ve started to sleep without the need of music, to steal my attention form past depressive episodes. I must stay alive for myself. No reasons. No excuses. This might be the only time, after 6th grade where I can see a future for myself, being alive after the age of 30, and not want to die.

You are worthy of this love, time and attention you are given by the universe and should never be taken for granted. The kindness you shower yourself with is the same, which you portray upon people. The world will beat you up thinking you are down. It’s like your own family member snitching about your vulnerabilities to your enemy. Not that world is the enemy, just that opportunists are everywhere.

I created this happiness over time, developed it with a lot of observance and calm. And I’m not letting this go, I’m not giving this away, for anyone at any cost. I’ve created this and I would like to keep it.

Healing is addicting. Happiness is amazing, especially the one you create, and growth is challenging but so damn worth it.

I want to feel his forever. I want to feel this constant euphoria, without medication, if possible.